i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
