I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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