I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
