Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
