College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
