If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
