Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
