So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
