Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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