OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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