I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
