I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
