You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
