how can u be prego again
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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