I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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