I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
