Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
