The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
