We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I didn't notice because vodka
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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