why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
