The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
