If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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