she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
