You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
