I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
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