I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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