Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
