She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
