If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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