I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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