So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
