seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
