It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
