My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
