call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
