Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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