remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
