woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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