I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
