I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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