We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
