So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
