you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
