Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
