We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
