A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
