If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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