The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
