just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
