when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Shame - the story of my life.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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