I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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