So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
