Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I didn't notice because vodka
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
