my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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