I wish you could order shots online.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
