so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
